Steps to Healing the Inner Child
Children have a very different view of the world than we do as adults, and there are more things that can cause trauma than we often realize. Even while in the womb, stress levels or toxins the mother is exposed to can have a dramatic impact on the fetus’s ability to handle stress and their sense of safety and security. If it was an unwanted pregnancy, if the mother was stressed, anxious or depressed, an infant or young child can easily pick up on that energy and internalize it and subconsciously feel like they are the problem, that they’re not wanted, loved or safe.
The experience of the birth process can also be traumatic for a baby. It’s the baby’s first introduction to the physical world, and if there were any complications during the birth it can set a pattern for the rest of its life.
Babies and children’s brains function very differently than adults. Their brainwave frequencies are much slower than adults, giving them constant access to the subconscious mind. For instance, infants and babies are perpetually in Delta, which for adults is the level of deep sleep. Children who are 2-6 years old are in Theta when wide awake; for adults this is the stage of dreaming. It’s not till after the age of 10 that they reach the higher brainwave frequencies similar to an adult. It’s almost as if young kids are perpetually sleepwalking through life and often in their own world. They have a harder time distinguishing between what’s real and imagined.
Where do our stories come from?
Because the brains of babies and children are perpetually in the realm of the subconscious, they are extremely receptive and open to learning and suggestions and are profoundly affected by their experiences. They easily retain the things that their brain deems to be most relevant or important. It’s in this state during those young, formative years where the brain is taking everything in like a sponge, trying to make sense of the world and figure out how to feel safe, loved and accepted that most of our beliefs and stories are formed.
The mind of a child has a very limited understanding and perception of the world, but instinctually knows they need to protect him/herself. A child internalizes everything that happens and causes him/her to take on humiliation, guilt and shame. Even with things that seem benign through an adult’s perception can be quite traumatic for a child. They learn to react a certain way to events as a way of self-preservation. It becomes their story of who they are.
Our later life experiences often reinforce the beliefs we have about ourselves. Because our brains are very efficient, it focuses on and notices all the evidence that proves our stories are true. We carry these beliefs, stories, thoughts, reactions and behaviors with us into adulthood, where they run our lives 90-95% of the time! It’s like our wounded inner 7-year-old is in the driver’s seat of our life.
It makes sense that we should revisit our childhood for insights into our stories that create the drama we have been repeating throughout our lives. Many of us “grow up” but never quite reach “emotional adulthood,” and that leaves us in a state of fear, anger, insecurity or being a victim that festers in our unconscious mind for decades. Our inner child yearns for the attention, understanding, and love it didn’t receive early on. We may try to silence or “buffer” these painful feelings with drugs or alcohol, over-eating, over-spending, gambling, or harming ourselves in other ways. This leaves us feeling stuck, angry, depressed, and anxious and repeating the same patterns. It can cause us mental and physical illness and relationship dysfunction.
What can we do to heal our Inner Child and release our stories?
Talking about it is sometimes not enough to heal or change destructive patterns. These are deep-rooted beliefs that have become the core of who we are, and are tucked “safely” away in our subconscious mind, which always thinks it is protecting us. It often takes reconnecting to that wounded part of us, the child within, and “re-parenting” that sweet, innocent child, showing her the love, patience, compassion and support that she was lacking early on.
Remember that all children are beautiful, innocent, perfect little beings, filled with openness and wonder. All children deserve to have all their basic needs met with love, nurturing and kindness, but we don’t always get that. We all become products of our upbringing, circumstances and events, religious and societal beliefs, and so many other things that become ingrained in us and shape our view of the world, ourselves and others.
I don’t believe we need to drum up, relive and rehash all our childhood trauma, and that’s not the point of this exercise. It’s about connecting with the inner child, remembering how she felt, seeing her innocence, acknowledging her wounds and giving her the love and support she needed.
It may feel a little awkward getting in touch with your child self; it’s a process of self-discovery that shines a light in all the dark places, bringing these fears and feelings into the light to be healed. These techniques may sound simplistic, but this work is real. It changes the energy, and energy transcends time and space and always works on intention. When you’re able to connect to and “re-parent” the child within, it changes the frequency and creates a new reality. You can literally rewrite your story.
1. Look at pictures of yourself as a young child. See if you can remember the events, thoughts and feelings you had around that period of time when the picture was taken. You might want to close your eyes, breathe deeply, and relax for a few minutes, allowing it to come gently to the surface. There may be some good, happy memories, and some that are more painful. Try to visualize it as if it’s something you’re watching on a movie screen, and you are a curious and neutral observer. Instead of focusing on the traumatic events, just notice what she was feeling. If it becomes too painful, stop and seek help from a professional that can help you through it.
Are you able to connect with this beautiful, innocent child? How do you feel about her? Do you feel protective of her? Can you love her unconditionally as if she were your own child? It may take some time to get there. Be patient and gentle with yourself, and ask yourself what might be blocking you from making this connection.
2. Speak to your Inner Child. Visualize him/her and acknowledge her with love and compassion. Develop a connection with her and let her know you’re there for her no matter what and that you’ll never leave or hurt her. Become the loving, supportive “parent” to her that she needed. Write a letter to her. Here are some things you can say:
· I see you
· I hear you
· It’s not your fault
· I’m sorry you were hurt
· You deserve love and kindness
· I am always here for you
· You are safe
· You are enough
· You are loved unconditionally
There is an easy and powerful technique called Ho’oponopono that uses these four statements.
· I love you
· I’m sorry
· Please forgive me
· Thank you
It is a very old technique that comes from Hawaii that was used by psychiatrist, Dr. Hew Len, who cured an entire asylum of criminally insane patients without even meeting with them individually. He simply took each of the patients’ files, one by one, and repeated those four statements over and over again.
The word Ho’oponopono essentially means, “to correct an error.” The error is a thought or judgement in our own mind. The premise is, it’s our unhealed mind that creates our suffering; whether something has happened to us directly or we are observing it in someone else, it still has to be healed within us. The process is to take full responsibility for your thoughts and judgments, go into your mind and correct the thoughts by repeating the above statements, really feeling each one.
Of course, trauma and abuse are never your fault. It’s common to feel guilt, shame or feel responsible in some way, but that is also a thought error that needs to be corrected and it is your responsibility to heal it. Otherwise, we continually victimize ourselves long after the trauma or abuse has happened.
The concepts of Ho’oponopono go deeper than that, but regardless of understanding it, it still works. You can use this technique by visualizing or holding a picture of yourself as a child. Eventually your feelings may change from pain to deep, unconditional love. The same technique can be used with other people in your life, even someone you are having a difficult time forgiving.
3. Listen to the Inner Child. Once you’ve established trust between you and your inner child, give her a voice, a chance to tell her story and put into words what she couldn’t say then. Ask her about her feelings: fears, pain, insecurity, abandonment, guilt, shame and anger, and what she did to protect herself: withdraw, act out, dissociate, self-soothe, self-harm, etc. Let her say all that she couldn’t say then. Ask her what she needs now. Write it out as a journal entry from the perspective of this child. Assure her again that she’s safe, loved and she did nothing wrong, it wasn’t her fault.
4. Recreate what you loved to do as a child. Reflect back on some of the activities you loved when you were young; things that made you feel good, that felt like you were free to be who you are and express yourself. Maybe it was art and craft projects, riding your bike, climbing trees, swimming at the lake or fishing with your dad, having tea parties with your dolls or helping mom in the kitchen bake cookies. Do you still enjoy those kinds of activities? When was the last time you’ve done something like it?
You may feel silly playing with dolls, but keep an open mind and try to connect to that part of yourself that was carefree and creative. Learn to bring fun, play time and self-expression back into your life. This activity may help to open up a passion inside of you that lay dormant and forgotten. Your inner child can learn a lot from you, but he/she can also teach you a lot about yourself.
5. Realize that the inner child can be very different at different ages. Maybe your 6-year-old self was carefree and filled with curiosity and wonder, while your 8-year-old self was scared, confused and withdrawn, and your 12-year-old self was hurt, angry, aggressive and destructive. You may need to repeat this process with your inner child at different ages, and some may be more difficult than others. Take it one at a time and be gentle with yourself.
6. Integration. Visualize all the versions of your inner child and yourself now as an adult sitting together in a circle, or use pictures of yourself at these different ages. Acknowledge each one of them as an important part of who you are and thank them for doing their very best to protect you. Let them know it’s not their job anymore to protect you, but it’s your job to protect them now. Acknowledge all the wonderful strengths, talents, creativity, curiosity and playfulness of each of these versions of you, and allow those things to be a part of your life again. Visualize each of them shrinking down to pocket size and tuck them safely into your heart where they’re always with you, an important part of you, whole and complete.
This work is never completely done; it’s a process, a journey. You can revisit this anytime you need to. Healing is done in layers, so more layers may come up later. Anytime you’re triggered and the inner child takes the driver’s seat, acknowledge her. Talk to her, reminder her it’s not her job anymore and that you’ve got her back, she’s safe.
Disclaimer: This information is for educational purposes only. If you have a history of severe trauma or abuse, are dealing with severe depression or mental health issues, please seek the help of a qualified therapist or practitioner. Please see my full disclaimer at the link below.
