Dealing with Feelings: Steps to Emotional Healing
We all have stories about ourselves that mostly stem from childhood experiences that are deeply ingrained in our subconscious mind. Experts estimate that 95% of our brain activity, behaviors, thoughts and beliefs are from our subconscious in which we’re not even aware. Our brains are very efficient and are able to do most things on autopilot which is so useful for any number of other things. But it is NOT useful when it comes to holding on to stories, beliefs and judgments that don’t serve us. It takes practice to become aware of and interrupt the thought patterns on purpose. The Universe always gives us evidence of what we believe, good or bad, so the key is to become aware of the stories, which usually are not true, and take steps to change them.
It’s not necessary to drum up all the painful details of childhood trauma, but sometimes it helps to see where the story originated and look at it from an adult perspective, which can shed new light and make it feel not quite as scary. It’s like the monster under the bed that you’re terrified to look at, but once you shine a light, you often realize it’s not as bad as you thought. It’s the difference between resisting, which always causes us pain and keeps us stuck, and allowing/accepting, which can be painful in the moment but it moves through us so we can be done with it and heal.
It’s part of the human experience that we signed up for. We truly cannot fully experience joy, peace and unconditional love without experiencing the negative. But it doesn’t mean we have to be stuck in it! We can create our life on purpose by choosing better feeling thoughts and changing our stories. But we first have to be willing to open up to all our feelings and allow them in.
Emotions = energy in motion. It’s just a vibration in our body and can’t hurt us if we allow it to flow. It’s by avoiding our feelings and “buffering” with things that aren’t good for us that they become harmful. We buffer with food, alcohol, gambling, social media, overspending, procrastination and a plethora of other things. That stuck, stagnant energy damages us in many ways. It can show up as all kinds of dysfunction and create physical pain and illness. It’s like trying to hold a lid on a pressure cooker. You can only do it for so long before it’s going to blow.
Our subconscious mind is programmed for survival. It thinks it’s protecting us by seeking pleasure (buffering), avoiding pain (negative feelings), and conserving energy (minimal effort). This is what has kept us alive in primitive times but it hurts us now. Here are some helpful steps for healing emotional pain.
1. Awareness
Sometimes we’re so out of touch with our feelings that we have a hard time connecting with them. Here are some things that can help.
Journaling: Automatic writing, also called a data dump or thought download, is just dumping all the thoughts in your brain onto paper. You can do it fast, unedited, messy, and random. It doesn’t have to look or sound pretty, and the more real, raw and deep you get the better. If you’re hurt or angry at someone you can write a letter to that person (not with the intention of giving it to them). This gives you a chance to look at your thoughts from a new perspective, as an observer, and recognize what you’re feeling. Many times your thoughts, which create your feelings, loop around in your brain just under conscious awareness. We need to bring them to the surface if we intend to change them.
Talking: Call or talk with a friend or mentor who is supportive and understands what you need, just a listening ear without judgement. It’s helpful if they ask questions that encourage you to get in touch with your feelings. This is a time to say all the things you wish you could say if you didn’t have to be nice until it’s all out and you feel lighter. It’s important that the person listening is someone you completely trust, who can hold space for you without judgment and knows how to bring you back to the truth as described in step 3.
Get Physical: Sometimes deep anger or intense feelings, especially where trauma is involved, it’s helpful to get physical such as punching pillows or going for a run. Oftentimes trauma doesn’t get a chance to complete its cycle and literally gets stuck in your body, which is not just an emotional issue but a physiological one as well. This is best to do with the help of a professional in a safe, controlled environment.
2. Allow and Release
Surf the Urge: Feelings and urges come in waves like a bell curve. It starts slow, gains intensity and peaks, then starts to subside. It’s when this wave hits that we tend to want to distract ourselves by seeking false pleasures. Consciously choose to notice the feelings and urges and just allow it and observe it, called surfing the urge. When you have some time to yourself sit quietly, breathe deep, slow breaths to activate the parasympathetic nervous system (rest, relax, repair). Open up to the feelings and watch where it goes. Tears are healing so let them flow.
Name the feelings: “This is grief/anger/sadness.” Be careful of the way you state it. Avoid saying “I am_____” because you embody it and your brain believes it’s part of your identity. Recognize this is NOT who you are, it’s just a vibration in your body that will pass if it’s allowed.
Describe it: Be aware of where you feel it in your body and describe it. “It feels heavy in my chest, my throat feels tight, I feel pressure behind my eyes.” Remember to state it as a feeling, it’s not who you are, it’s just a vibration, you’re not in danger, nothing has gone wrong. This is part of being human. Keep riding the waves all the way through until it dissipates.
Surrender: Be willing to let go of all the thoughts and feelings that don’t serve your highest good. Ask for Divine guidance for help to see it a better way. Use these mantras, “I choose peace instead of this. I am ready and willing to surrender this now.”
Be curious: Feelings come in layers. As you release the first layers more are bound to come up, sometimes not till much later. Ask yourself, “I wonder why I’m feeling________? What is the story/thought that’s causing this feeling? Is it true? Is it useful? Am I willing to release my stories/thoughts to feel better? Keep moving through the process.
Let go of judgments: especially about yourself. Most of us add an extra layer to our feelings by judging them. We’re angry with ourselves that we feel anger, or we hate others for being hateful. But aren’t we just adding more energy to what we DON’T want? Have compassion for yourself and others. Be willing to let it all go with love.
3. Come Back to the Truth
Spiritual practice: Forgiveness and letting go of judgments is really an important part of this exercise, but it can also be so difficult. We feel justified, even righteous indignation toward someone who has hurt us (“they don’t deserve forgiveness!”), but that only hurts us to hold on to that. Forgiveness really has nothing to do with them; it’s about choosing to have peace. It’s the ego part of us that would rather be right than to be happy, but our Higher Self knows that those beliefs only hurt us. It’s up to us to practice getting in touch with our Higher Self/God/Divine Guidance through meditation, prayer, spiritual studies, connecting with nature and finding that truth and peace within us.
Soul contracts: We are all connected on a spiritual level, made with the same energy of perfect Love and Light as our Creator. And because we are all connected, others are a mirror for us, showing us the unhealed parts of our mind and teaching us about ourselves. I believe we have soul contracts with people and that we chose to go through certain experiences to learn from them in order to evolve and further our growth. If we can really understand and practice this, it’s so much easier to see others in a different light, and even be grateful to them for showing us what needs to be healed.
Choose better feeling thoughts: Our thoughts create our feelings so it’s important to consciously choose thoughts that feel better. Question your thoughts: “What am I making this mean? Is it true?” Find a thought that moves up the vibrational scale a few steps to a more neutral thought (you have to be able to believe it). Then practice the new thought and see how it changes your feelings, actions and results.
Meditation: Deep breathing and meditation quiets and calms the mind, bringing us from Beta (conscious mind) to the lower levels of Alpha, Theta and Delta, which gives us access to the subconscious and superconscious mind (higher self/intuition). It is in these lower/slower stages of our brain that most change can occur when practiced on a regular basis. It can literally reprogram and rewire your brain.
Love is always the answer: Because everything in the Universe is energy and we’re all connected on an energetic and spiritual level, the energy from all you do, think or say goes out into the world and comes right back to you. Negative words, thoughts, and actions beget more negativity back to you. Love, kindness and compassion increase within you and come back to you exponentially. When we feel attacked we naturally want to attack back or defend ourselves, which increases that attack energy. It only takes one person in any relationship willing to see the truth and come from a place of love and compassion to change the dynamics of the relationship for the better.
Give yourself grace: You may think, “But why should it be me? Why don’t they change? I’m not the one who____.” First of all, we can only control what we do and others get to do what they want to do. But on a deeper level, they’re showing you what is unhealed in your mind. They are mirroring back to you what you believe about yourself on some unconscious level, the feelings you’re projecting onto them. That’s what is happening anytime you get triggered. But don’t make yourself wrong or take on guilt! We ALL get triggered because we all have stuff to heal. If we didn’t we wouldn’t be here! Be gentle with yourself and recognize we’re all human.
Forgiveness: Whenever you feel attacked, either real or perceived (because sometimes that’s not the intention it was given) and you respond back with attack or defense, you’re adding fuel to the fire and it only hurts you. Love, kindness and forgiveness is ALWAYS the answer. It’s hard to do at first but it comes easier with practice. There are extremely few of us that are ever able to master it, but it’s about striving to be better and more aware if we want more peace and joy in our lives. That’s the biggest lesson we’re all here to learn, and the more of us that can learn it the more the world will heal.
A quote by Marianne Williamson from her book, A Return to Love: “The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.” And I believe that’s as true for our own healing as well.
If you need help processing through intense feelings or would like to learn more, please schedule a complimentary consultation here or reach out to a qualified professional.
